Taking the next step, finally!

Today as I write this post I am feeling better than I have in a long time, I feel hopeful. I have taken the next step to moving on, I requested an info packet the other day on becoming a Foster Parent. I plan to in the New Year contact Social Services to set up an appt for a Social Worker to come out and talk to us about Foster Care and help us to decide if this is right for our family. I am excited I feel like this is going happen for us eventually that we are going to have that chance to complete our family. I know this maybe a very long road with it's own challenges but I am very happy to be moving forward saying good bye to fertility treatments. I am not looking back anymore at what could have been I am going to start looking at what will be. It really does feel good to be moving on! I want to wish all of you a very Merry Christmas and I hope for all the best for you for the coming year!

Due Date

Today is the day I would have been welcoming our new little one instead I am sitting here in tears and my heart is aching to hold that little baby. I am trying to believe that God is here and believe that he has a plan for me, for my family and that one day we will meet that little who is meant to join our little family. I still believe that child is out there and that one day we will meet and she will complete us. I even have a bedroom set aside for her waiting for her arrival. What shall I do today, how can I do anything?

Life is full of surprises

Life has thrown us a bit of a curve ball recently, on October 19th I became ill with what we thought was just a stomach ache or a bug of some kind but it turns out we were wrong. It is looking like that bug is more likely some form of Crohn's disease. So we are dealing with this and trying to get a confirmed diagnosis which is a bit of a challenge. As a result I consulted a lady named Elsie who is a medical intuitive and a herbalist she has suggested I have several parasites one of which has been and is affecting my ovaries which brings up the question was that part of the reason for the miscarriage? The answer I don't except that Elsie claims we can try again and all that I have is curable so now what? Also I have been thinking a lot about Foster Care and am really interested in that but we need to get my health stabilized first. Also a friend let me know that there is a financing company that will fund fertility treatments so what does that mean also? I guess this illness has brought up a lot of questions for us or maybe just me?

Peace and Faith

Well I finally listened to what people had been telling me and decided to have a chat with God in attempt to let go of my pain and turn it over to him. I must that since doing this I have found myself surrounded by a sense of peace and the ability to get through each day without that horrible pain. I am even finding myself feeling again as though there is some hope that we will someday complete our family through an adoption and that someone out there will find us and ask to raise their child and give us that beautiful gift that only they can. I due truly believe that some how that little one will find us one day and Spencer will get the chance to be the amazing big brother that I know he will be!!! So for now I am taking each day is it comes and working hard to find ways to support my family from home. We are finally getting organized and settled here, the basement is finished and Kevin has built me the most beautiful Sewing room/office, we are also applying to host an international student in January which will be a great experience for all of us as well as provide us with a little bit of extra money to get some of our debt paid down. I have recently been thinking about a list that I made sometime ago and have put away somewhere but one of the first things on the list was that I would be home full time in September and that has happened some of things have come to pass and others not but I wonder what will come next? We are going to be hosting a consignment sale in November at my Yoga studio, I have been a little worried about letting ago the baby stuff but now I am thinking of the good that I will be able to do for Spencer with that money. A friend suggested that I do something special for him with that money so now I am thinking of what that will be? I am trying very hard to just focus on him and how wonderful he is and making his life as happy as can be. We received the good news last week that Kevin does not have a fracture and it is not his bone disease so now we can work on moving forward knowing that he is healthy and if we take good care of our health will be for a very long time. Things are falling into place and today on Thanks Giving I am finding myself very thankful for my amazing husband, my wonderful little boy, my family and friends and all our many blessings. Somehow it seems today that good out weighs the bad and it has been a long time since I felt this way. Today I feel as though we can move and there is a future out there waiting for us!

Far from better.

I realized and have admitted to people this weekend that I am not over the miscarriage or our ending treatments, I still look around my house and our life and yearn for another little to add to it. I realize now that this is going to take a while and require me accepting how I am feeling and acknowledging those emotions. I will have to take this day by day and work on dealing with how I am feeling without internalizing those emotions like I have been. I am also go to work on trying to be more grateful for the life I do have and the wonderful family that I do have. I am going to work learning to love my little family of three and letting go of that dream of being a family of four. This will take much time but I do hope to one day look back on this and no that I have moved on. You never imagine when you start out trying that this is where you will end up, you never picture the unhappy ending you always imagine that eventually it will work. I hope that me being honest with all of you will help someone out there that is struggling like me, I hope that at least my experience can help someone and that something good comes out of all this.

Life is feeling good but still empty.

Well we have been home for almost two weeks and things are starting to fall into a routine. I am really enjoying the time to be able to take care of my family and do some baking. I still feel a little sad like there is someone missing there is a little space that needs to be filled. I am also starting to part with some of Spencer's baby stuff and it tugs at my heart and makes me sad. The other day Spencer and I were talking about all his friends that have a babies and how we don't have a baby. Then I reminded him about his one friend that also doesn't have a baby and his parents went through fertility treatments to conceive him and they also suffered a miscarriage with their second, I explained that we tried really hard to have another baby and that the Doctor tried really hard to help us but that Mommy couldn't have another baby as was the same for his friend and he says to me "that we will have a baby!". I ask him how will we have another baby he replies " someone will just give us one!" That breaks my heart but part of me hopes he is right and somehow one day someone will contact us with an adoption situation. I hope that one day we will all heal and be able to move on past this one way or another but until then I struggle to find my way through all of this.

Forever Changed

Today I have been thinking about how I am feeling and I have realized that the recent events in our life have left us forever changed it is amazing to me the power of one event to change you. I know some of you would argue that it only changes you if you let but I feel as though this time I have no choice to change for my family for my Son. On one hand I am so sad because I feel this sense of deep lose and hurt but on the other hand that it has brought with it some realizations. Now I must put this behind me and us and move forward to the new leaving the old behind. The new is good but scary and brings a lot of change to my family. I am not sure how being at home all the time is going to be for me, I am trying to organize time away for myself doing things I love. One thing I really want to do is get dressed up and head out for drinks with some girlfriends and I would like to make a habit of that. I really do envy the women I know who get together regularly with their good friends and I want that I group of women to go out with and laugh and be care free. I feel sometimes as the stress of all that is and might be is a weight around my neck and I feel lost in it. I feel like my person is gone and not defined. I am trying very hard to navigate my way through all of this alone but it is tough and I can't really trust anyone to be at my side so I feel that I stand alone. My strength must come from within as that is all I have.

Lessons Learned.

I am starting to learn that the only person you can really trust is yourself it is a hard lesson and sad to have to learn but they people you think you can trust and think that you have really waited until you are sure to bare your soul and trust with your family well those are the ones who can hurt you the most. I hate to have to think that I need to live my life on guard but unfortunately you do and especially when it involves your children. From here on out I am going to do my best not to become friends with the parents of my Son's friends that way I can try and avoid this situation. I will be pleasant and all but I am not going to get personal with them anymore we can do play dates and the kids can spend time together but it stops there. This world really can be very cruel and I hate that I can't always protect my Son my it's evils.

I understand now.

Today I realize why I am not pregnant why that little spirit left me, there is no way that I could hope to manage to hold it together if I was pregnant for my family, my hormones would be too high. Not to say I am doing a great job right now but I must say that I do have support to get threw it. I am so thankful for the people who are in my life and who are sticking with me through all of this, I wouldn't be able to do it with out all of you and you know who you are. I remember thinking when I was young why me, why is life so hard but today I am realizing that it wasn't that hard back then compared to what I am facing and dealing with right now. I know it could be worse we could be facing some form of Cancer but this is still very difficult and to see my husband suffering and shutting down like he did last night is so scary for me, this is so not him. I wish that people could understand the difficult time that he is going through but I guess until you have been in his shoes and felt his pain it is hard to understand why he is behaving the way he is. I am grateful that I have people in my life to support me and try to help me to understand how he is feeling and why he is feeling that. I had a wonderful conversation this morning with my sister inlaw and she really had some great suggestions and reassured me that she is there for us will be there when and if we need her more. I know I mentioned a while ago about my faith being gone but I do believe that God is watching out for us right now and that he will find a way to protect us from the worst and to help us get through this very stressful time. I am scared for what will happen but I believe that we will get through it as a family.

Another friend lost

Well today we lost a very dear set of friends, they have chosen to not see us anymore as result of an incident involving my husband and our cat that their Son witnessed. The stress is showing on my husband and he is very worried about what will happen with his leg and our family if things go very wrong. I don't know what to do to reassure him as if he was to lose even a percentage of his income we would be in trouble as no matter what I do he earns way more than I do. I guess I am scared too! I am also really sad about losing these friends because our boys were really good friends and I know Spencer will be upset when he figures out they are not coming back to visit. This happened once before when we were going through fertility treatments and he is too young to remember but now he is old enough to understand. I am going to have to find a way to explain this to him and that breaks my heart. I hate to hurt him and feel badly that because of us he is losing two of his best buddies. I am scared now to be bringing these kids into our house because he will get attached and what happens when they leave? I am just bringing a world of hurt on him? Why does life have to be so complicated? I have just sent a message in hopes of trying to salvage some kind of relationship for Spencer but I just don't know.

Peace

Well the weekend proved to be the whirlwind I expectated but it also brought peace and a decision. Yesterday while hanging at the beach with our little man running around bare bum Kevin and I looked at each and we decided that we are done and very happy with our wonderful little man and our little family of three. We saw this weekend how much we love the freedom of being able to get out of the house with ease and travel when and where we want to. Also our very wonderful little man made it know to us that he enjoys his time alone to play and be with us! We feel a sense of peace about our decision so much that I am ready to sell my baby stuff! So now I have decided to add consignment to my online business provided my business partner doesn't disagree. I am excited about getting all this stuff out of my house and about the money I will make!!! I think I will put it aside and do something wonderful for my family. I am so happy about our decision and I think it is the best one given my husbands current health issues. I can do this on my own if needed with one but two would so much harder!

Where do we go?

I was thinking just yesterday that we should get the papers for adoption and start filling them but then today I am finding myself thinking again of all the freedom we will have by having only one child we do so much more, more traveling more for him but then I remember last weekend at the park and him being left out because he doesn't have a sibling. It tugs at my heart and I really don't know what to do, part of me really would like another baby and I am having a hard time seeing pregnant bellies and newborns again but then I look at my Son and think of where we are and all that we can start doing with him at this age. I guess all this really says is that I am still not ready to decide and I need to patient with myself. My old Yoga teacher got in touch with me this week and has offered for me to come to a couple of classes for free and then if I feel like it I can clean the studio once a week in exchange for classes for free. I think this a great idea for me as I really want to get back to Yoga but it is not really in our budget to be paying for classes. I only have 3 more weeks left of work and then I will be home full time with Spencer and can focus on him and our life as a family. We will be heading to Calgary in the fall to see the specialist for Kevin's bone disease I am confident that he will figure this out and help us find a solution to what ever is going on. I am watching Spencer this weekend with the other kids and I see that he likes to play with them but he also enjoys his alone time too and I don't really think that is a bad thing. I am going to work on finding some yoga dvd's for us in the fall I would really like to start practicing yoga with him I think it would be good for both of us. As I write this I really am feeling a pull towards just keeping this our little family of three. We will see where things take us but I am not rushing into any decision. This one time that I must be patient and not push things it will happen the way it is supposed to happen for us that I do believe.

Settling in and feeling surreal!

Well we have been in our new house for almost a week now and it still seems very surreal. Our life has changed vastly and still is changing! We are loving our new location and the closeness to some many things is so very nice. It still seems a little strange that we have this wonderful new house and so much space, although it is getting full already and we still have all the boxes at my in laws house to bring over too. We walked with Spencer to the spray park yesterday and that was a little sad because once we got there no one would play with him there was three sibling groups and they were all playing amongst their own family I felt sad for him so we played with him and then ended up leaving. It still tugs at my heart that I wasn't able to give him a little brother or sister and I hope with every fiber of my being that one day we will be able to give him a sibling one day someone will find us and ask us to adopt their child. It's amazing to me how the pain of losing that baby is still there and I am truly sad that it came with us to this new house. I really wish there was a way to erase this from my life and take this pain away forever. All I can do is keep trying and hoping to find a way to add to our little family!
I am trying to imagine what our life is going to be like this fall when we start running the daycare I have an idea of what I am in for but it seems strange that we won't be leaving home anymore for work and that I will get spend every day with my little man and that he will have some little friends to keep him busy. Well we are having a bbq today so I must finish my snack and finish getting ready.

New House...New Beginning?

Just last yesterday we brought over the last load to our new house with the exception of some items in the garage. I managed to unpack 3/4 of the kitchen set up Spencer's furniture and decide on the placement of ours which was a bit challenging as our new room is smaller than our old one. It still seem surreal that we have a new house and a new life really I keep waiting for something really bad to happen, aka flood, ceiling falling in etc. I think once we have made our first mortgage payment and been through our first storm it will settle in. We also had our appt this week with the orthopedic surgeon which told us that most likely Kevin's injury was a stress fracture so now we are off to Calgary for a consult with a Specialist for Kevin's bone disease, Osteo Genesis Imperfecta or Brittle bone disease. We are hoping that they will either assure us that everything is fine and this is normal for him or that it's the meds and we can adjust or change them. Spencer has been battling this mystery illness for last couple of weeks and just can't seem to completely kick this fever. As for myself my hip seems to be getting better much much better not sure what to attribute that to? Where are we at with the adoption, second child choice well we are still just waiting to get Kevin sorted out and then see what we want to do then. International adoption seems out of price range and a private adoption seems unlikely so that just leaves domestic but will that work for us? I like to think that some where out there a child needs us and will fit into our family but we will see. This is definitely a great lesson in patience for me and letting go. I have started thinking about selling off our baby stuff completely (as I have sold some of it) and just moving on with only having one but I just can't seem to let go yet. I really want to believe that some how we will have another baby in our house but it just doesn't seem likely. I have been feeling a little bit isolated lately and really wanting someone to connect with someone who has also stopped their treatments and chosen to move whether with just one or hoping for an adoption some day. I was part of an amazing infertility support site but now I don't really fit there anymore so I am looking for another support group but not trying very hard either. Life has just been very busy and overwhelming on it's own without dealing with this part of it right now so I am just putting it in the back of my mind to follow up on later. I recently played around with the idea of doing one last clomid with a donor cycle just because I will have a couple of months off but I just don't think I can go through that again no matter how much I want another child. Life has been very hard for us lately and it seems the tide maybe changing? Now that we finally have our new house and I am about to be done working at the hospital I wonder where all this change will take us? I am hoping for only good things to come and for us to feel a sense of peace and find sometime to relax and enjoy the last little bit of summer.

We move on.

Well moving week is almost upon us and our flooding as finally stopped, we have walls again! I am off today to work one of my last two shifts on Peds and then I have 4 more weeks at the Cancer Center after which I will completely self employed. I am starting to feel a sense of relief about the situation, I have also filled my daycare spots as well with 3 wonderful kids from two wonderful families I am sure this is contributing to my sense of relief. My husband as his appt with the ortho surgeon on Monday so after that hopefully we will know a little more about what things look like for him. All and all things are settling down a little and once we move I hope that it will only get better.

As for me and my feelings surrounding our situation I am still having good days and bad days now I find that when I am talking to people about our decision to stop and to possibly only have Spencer should an adoption not work out, I find myself almost getting angry or bitter. When I see pregnant bellies I too feel some resentment then as well or a nursing Mama knowing that I won't get to do that again. I even thought for a few hours about doing one more cycle this fall just because I am going to have two months off and even while thinking that all I could think of was it won't work any way. I find that there is a lot of negative coming out of me surrounding our situation but I still don't want to change our decision I am just going through the emotions which I think is good to get it out. I recently picked up an issue of Time magazine and read this really good article on Only Children and it made me feel much better and not so alone in our decision. Time Article Although sometimes I don't feel like the choice was completely our own I feel like we had no other choice. As for my faith well our very friendly LDS boy who has been stopping by to visit us is unknowingly helping to restore that, he without question shows up to help my husband with the repairs on our basement and not once has he preached to him! He is such a good person and I truly hope that when Spencer is his age that he will be as good!
So as for our attempt at living on a budget we have completely fallen off the wagon or I should say me but I am going to work getting us back on next month. One thing I was finally able to do was to pay all the bills up to date so now we can start fresh and keep on top of them.
Life is strange it throws so much at you at a crazy pace that you think how can I keep and why does it keep coming but I truly do hope that we are entering into a calm period now and things will slow down.

After the storm

Well things have started to turn around and settle down. Our basement has now been dry for 2 days and this is the third day since my cortisone injection. My hip is feeling so much better now I just hope it lasts! Our basement is starting the process of drying out and we are trying to start gathering information on how to repair it. My emotions are settling down again regarding the miscarriage and I am able to talk calmly again about it. I do still want to get my butterfly tattoo with the ribbon for pregnancy loss behind it but I am not sure when that will happen. Our biggest concern right now is for Kevin's leg and what they will be able to do to fix it. I was at our Dr on Monday and was hoping she would tell it was all going to be ok but she wouldn't she said the x-ray was normal but that we will have to wait and see what the specialist says. Kevin is continuing to have pain especially at night and still bruised but he is still refusing the crutches, that's a man for you. I have to say with all that is going I am glad that I am not pregnant as it would be hard on me with all this stress but I still wish we had that little one on the way. I am looking forward to getting moved into our new house and getting settled in our new life. I have two wonderful little kids booked into my daycare and an interview for one more tonight so after this I could be done, the strange part is that these kids won't start coming until November which means I have 2 months to myself and with Spencer. It has been quite a roller coaster in the last couple of weeks life has been very hard and stressful but once again we have pulled through I am still waiting for us to enter the quiet part of life and for things to settle. I am really hoping once we get moved that will happen, we will have the space and time that we have been needing. Spencer has been really talking a lot lately about babies and that we don't have one. I really hope one day we will get to make him a big brother. One thing that is really hard about adoption is the wait, it seems that this process is filled with waiting and we haven't even really begun. Soon we will be in a position to start the process and I look forward to that! Till then I enjoy every moment I am blessed to be with my wonderful little boy and witness his life.

Jumping off the bridge

I am still struggling lately with my emotions surrounding the miscarriage this past week has been a lot worse than it has been in a while. Lately I can't even talk about it when people ask when I am going to have another one and I try to tell them what has happened and the we have decided to stop well that just leads to me in tears. Then I get the everything happens for a reason and the it was God's plan saying and then more tears it's just not good. I don't regret my decision to stop but my heart is aching for that baby who should be growing inside me right now. The pain is feeling so fresh again like it has just happened and I don't really understand where it is coming from why is it back what has triggered it. I am doing my best to cope with it and try and work through it but it is tough. One thing I did manage to realize tonight that I am not ready to adopt right now my heart still needs to heal and then we can move on.

So this has been kind of a big week I gave notice on Peds, @ daycare and well my work at the Cancer Center will end at the end of August as always. It was very scary doing all of that and led to a few hours of panic on my part but I pulled through and I feel much better. Our life is undergoing so much change right now it's a little much but we are working through it. Although certain aspects of our life are changing I wish that I could see some movement or progress in journey to complete our family but I check the facebook group everyday and I see it growing so I guess that is progress it is putting the word out there which is what we need to do. I still believe in my heart that somewhere out there is the child that will complete our family and that we will find them one day.

The date for our move into our new house has been bumped up which is good it gives us more time to get moved out of this house. I have been working on my handbook for the daycare and once that is complete I will post the add on Kijiji and wait to fill the spots. I am looking forward to this new way of life for us and to be working for just myself and get out of the Health Region and all that goes with working in Health Care.

Well on that note I want to wish you all a very Happy Canada Day!

I think all this rain is really starting to get to me, that and maybe all the stress is catching up with me. Those of you who know me know that I am a planner and I am happy when I can see the plan falling into place and things working out. Well this waiting for an adoption to find us and happen is very hard for me to just sit back and wait and accept that is the way things have to happen. Today I realized that my heart still aches for that little baby we lost, by now I should have a little belly to rub but instead all that is left is screwed up hormones and stress and uncertainty. Don't get me wrong I don't regret our decision to stop trying but it still hurts a little when I see someone with their brand new baby and feel that emptiness inside me and know that I will never have that again. I know the saying that all things happen for a reason and I now know that little spirit told me it had to go and I let it go but why? Why did it have to leave us and why do have to go this way instead? I am feeling like I need a break, I need to find a way to release all this stress that I am under but for some reason it just seems to keep coming! Today was the bank telling me that our new mortgage might not go through because of an error on my letter of offer for my current position. In the end we worked it out but for an hour I thought I had lost my husband's families $5000 and that come August 1st we would have no where to live so I was just a little bit freaking out! I fell off the no shopping wagon this afternoon after that. I am going to share with you song that is dear to my heart. Far Away by Nickel Back I am not a huge fan but I tell the day of the miscarriage I was on my knees begging God for one last chance to save that pregnancy but he didn't he took it away instead and I really don't understand why?!? I guess I am not doing as well as I thought after ending treatments, God I hate that myself and other women have to go through this horrible experience that is Infertility and that some how government can recognize that women need to end a pregnancy but what about those of us that need that medical help to create the families that we deserve and are entitled to!!! Well as I am sitting with the tears streaming down my face all I want is something or someone to make it better but that won't happen my heart is broken and no one can fix that! I know in my heart that someday we will find that little child to complete our family and make my beautiful Son the big brother that he so badly wants to be and deserves to be!!! Until then I will find a way to hind my pain and get through each day for him! One last link for all of you our Facebook group I created in hopes of finding Birth Parents looking for an adoptive family. Please join and forward the link onto everyone you know in hopes of finding that little child to complete our family!

Things that may.

Well the last few days have been hectic and a little stressful but we finally have our lease signed and I took all the papers to the bank for them to sign and do up the paper work for us to sign. I just can't believe that we have made this work and found our forever house! Our budget for the new house is going to be really tight a little too tight for my liking which means I am going to have to learn to be frugal and live according to our budget! This is not something I am very good at as anyone who knows me knows that I like to shop! Well I am going to follow the advice of a friend and fellow blogging Mama. http://lifeofmamma.blogspot.com/2010/05/first-challenge.html We are going to take our left over money after the bills are paid and some money is put away for savings and put it in a jar and once it is gone it's gone. We have a month and a half to practice before we move into our new house so I am hoping we are quick learners! I am really excited about moving into our new house and being able to have people over again, I might even attempt to put on Thanksgiving for my husbands family this year we will see what happens. As for our attempt to complete our family with an adoption well our little facebook has grown quite a bit in the last week we are @ 53 members and growing everyday hopefully one day soon someone will find us. Well my little buggy is sitting here with me and it is time for his bed so goodnight everyone.

Things get a little interesting!

This weekend well Friday night really I found out that Calgary was not going to work that Kevin's job would only pay $25/hr and that is not enough to live there so Saturday morning my wonderful husband went to talk with his boss about his new wage for his new position here and they offered him $25/hr so we had no choice but to choose to stay in SK. Although heart broken I accepted that it was what had to be and began to think about what we should do then stay in this house, move to another house (bigger, better neighborhood), and how would this affect our chance at adopting. Well I went on SaskHouses just to take a peek as I often do at the areas we are thinking about moving to and there is was our "forever house" and in our price range! So we decided to drive by it and take a look to see if Kevin could indeed build a garage as this house didn't have one. We headed over to look and it was too hard to tell so I called the number and the owners allowed us to come and take a look after a few minutes of looking it was perfect both inside and out! As we were looking at the house and talking with the family it turns out that a little over a year ago they adopted a little girl internationally and they have a lot of information that can help us out if we go that route including a foundation that may give us $10 000 towards an international adoption and a bank that will finance an adoption over a long period of time to give you a small payment. It amazes me how things can turn around and just happen when things are right. So as of last night we have leased our house and will be submitting the "official" offer on our new house on Friday our possession date will be August 1st. It is exciting and I am anxious to see what comes next and how we will handle being landlords hopefully all goes well! I am going to post a link to a facebook group I created to help put the word out that we are looking to adopt privately please pass it on to everyone you know in hopes that we will find that birth family looking for a home for their child!
Our wish to complete our family through a private adoption

I will update more later as I have more information and as the house is finalized too!

Finances after treatment not good!!!

Not only do we have to struggle with the physical after effects of fertility treatments but the financial ones too and those are tough! Today I ended up having to call in sick for my shift and as I have used all my sick time, holiday time and family time well it's the pocket book a little harder. Our Son was bite by some sort of bug they are thinking spider and now it is infected (it's only been just over 24hrs since the bite) and last night we saw our Dr and she gave antibiotics but this morning things looked worse so I took him into Peds Emerg they informed me that it can take up to 48 hrs for things to look better, so if by tomorrow it doesn't look better than most likely we will start IV antibiotics. So today we are staying home to keep the hand elevated and give meds as needed. Our budget is very tight this month too tight bills are having to wait to be paid and that is not good, so missing even just one day at work has a huge impact. I am hoping that by the end of the month we will have ourselves in a better position but that depends on me working some extra shifts at work and being very good with our budget. Which means no eating out at all and me watching the prices of the foods we buy which is something that we are not used to doing. I am working on this, and today my experiment is that Spencer wants chocolate chip cookies so we are going to make them instead of buying the ready to bake ones and I am attempting to use a healthier recipe so we will see how they turn out. If it all works I will add the recipe later for anyone who would like to try it.
As for our move back to Alberta we moved a bunch of storage totes over to my Mother in laws house last night and today I will tidy up the rest of the storage room and then I can move the store down stairs which will free up the spare room upstairs. My next step after that is our room and then another yard sale plus tackle the kitchen which means some refinishing and painting of the hinges and the cupboard doors. We are hoping to sell our house for 249 000 and it seems like that is a good price for our house and the neighbor hood compartively. The more money we leave with the more money we will have to put away for an adoption when we are ready to start that process.
All and all things are still good but of course little bits of stress creep in, I still feel good about moving my only concern is that I think it is going to happen quickly too quickly!

The struggles that come after.

Today has been a so so day for coping with the end of trying to conceive sometimes when a very pregnant woman passes me I feel a little something I won't say hurt but just something. Today was one of those days as one of my co-workers today who is pregnant with her first and due in August was in and today I started letting people know that I will be parting with a lot of my maternity and baby items. It's tough to see those things go but really do I want to lug all that "baggage" with me across the province to Calgary?!? Then tonight I decided it was time to see the Dr about my Sciatica which has been bothering me since the miscarriage and it turns out is related to the pregnancy as I had pregnancy induced sciatica with my Son and it turns out with this little pregnancy too and now that it is over well I guess some of the hormone that causes it is still lingering so just another little reminder for me. This leads me to my next task how do I learn to budget for emergencies like medicine that is necessary but can be expansive sometimes when the drug plan doesn't cover it. I guess I chalk it all up to another learning opportunity and continue on in this great adventure.

We have decided we are done and happy with our one!

It has been just over a week since we came home and I phoned our Fertility Clinic to let them know that we will not be continuing our treatments and that we have decided to be just our little family of three for now. This is a big step as I am sure some of you understand but we did not come to this decision lightly. After almost 2.5 yrs of treatment, thousands of dollars and one miscarriage it left us wondering now what? Where do we go, what is the next step, do we try again as that was our best cycle to date? So many questions and so much pain! For several weeks we wavered back and forth on whether to try again and if so what type of treatment, when and how much debt would we put ourselves in? Then one day I was talking to my Mom (which doesn't happen very often) and she asked me how much more debt would I put my family in for a sibling that may not always be there for my Son pointing out my relationship with my brother (estranged) and my Husbands relationship with his siblings (also mostly estranged) and that was when I saw the light and the possibility that we could be just the three of us and be happy! We had a trip away planned in next week so I decided that we would take that time and think things over and hopefully be at peace with our decision after our holiday. By the end of the second day it was very clear to me that yes I was ready to be done with fertility treatments but that I was not ready to be done trying to add to our family I truly believe that there is room for one more so we are looking at adoption but realize this will be a long journey and in the meantime we are working on enjoying our little family of three. My focus is to not lose a moment with my Son as this maybe the only time I get to experience this which is leading me to question my part-time employment situation. I currently work 2-3 days per week which that income is very much needed now to help pay off our debt but I am currently paying for a full-time daycare spot which doesn't leave much money left over. As a result we have made the decision that as soon as we can make it work I will be coming home and opening a daycare allowing me to be home with our Son and him to have other children around. To go with this big decision we have also decided that we want to move back to Alberta and will be doing so as soon as we can. This is a lot of change but it is all good change for our family and our Son seems excited about the idea of moving closer to the mountains. As for my feeling about stopping treatments I am oddly at peace with it and everyday that feeling seems to get a little bit stronger.