Somedays

Today I was reminded of my two little angels who are waiting for me heaven in my Great Grandmothers arms and then later on I heard this song which is so fitting!

I love my angels and miss you everyday!

xoxo
Mommy

Where are we at?

I have no idea! Our application for adoption has been excepted by the ministry and now we wait to meet their criteria to be released for home study. I really thought we would at least be on the list for home study by now I thought we were pretty open but apparently not enough. I am having a debate with myself as to whether I should alter our range of acceptance a little or not, it's such tough call and can be a big risk. You see for alcohol use we put limited I think that may be part of what is preventing us from moving forward. On one hand I would be comfortable taking the chance trusting with all my heart that it would all work but then the what if comes in and I lose courage.
So for now we are focus on our life as a family of 3 and all we can do! Like reno the kitchen, do a little travel, and send DS to some great summer camps! We are also looking to the future and what we will be able to do as our little family of 3 like maybe pack everything up and sell off a bunch of things and go travel for a year or two.
Most days I feel pretty good and am pretty happy with my little family and just last night a had a conversation with another family of a only child. It was really good, their daughter is grown but it was good to see the other end and how sometimes being a one child family is for the good of the child and the parents. The child will get more of what they may need from the parents and the parents will have the ability to do things that may not have if they had more children. So I am looking at my life like that and believing that I was put on this path and it is right for me and for my family, if it is meant to change then it will do so on it's own and my stressing will not help or change it. What will be will be and I am happy to wait and see where it takes us. For now I will enjoy the ride as we go along!

So Confused

I am so confused right now about what to do. I had a break through the other week about my health I think part of what is causing my symptoms is that I am hanging on so tight to wanting another child! I let it get to me and I think that causes some of my issues. My husband and I talked last week and I just can't see my self carrying on this way for another 2-4 yrs it's too much and too hard on my body. I told him I thought it was time to let it go and learn to be a happy family of 3. Then this week my Son has been having issues in the afternoon and on weekends with being lonely and that makes me feel so guilty that I can't give him what he is needing. Also this week I have been interviewing for the daycare and I keep thinking about foster care and how I could fit in a foster child in our lives. My worry is though I will get too attached and they will leave and how will Spencer adjust and what sort of issues will they come with and can I handle that. But then I think about our house and our lives and I just think we have room for one more in our hearts and our lives. If adoption isn't going to work out then what about giving a child a home even for a short period of time and giving them the love and security that they need. I don't know why I can't put this journey to rest I am trying so hard but something is pulling at my heart and I can't seem to make it stop. I feel this connection and I can't seem to sever it, I want to move on, I  want to get healthy, I want our lives to feel complete but something is there that I can't make leave. What do I do? Do I listen to little voice or do I find a way to make it leave and if so how?

Feeling Ho Hum

Yet another scope done and still no diagnosis! My frustration level is getting high and my energy is just not there. I had really hoped that this time we would get our answers but no so now what? How do I get better? DH is also very frustrated with his situation and it doesn't help. We need a break something to turn around in our lives. We need some good news, some hope, something to look forward too. I feel horrible for our poor Son as we are both sick and I try to put on a happy face for him and ignore my symptoms but sometimes I just can't.

I did finally talk to the Social Worker in Regina who handles international adoptions and he wrote to the ICAB for confirmation that the church will be accepted as a Christian Religion. Once we have that confirmation we can start to move forward with the process. I am trying to hold onto to hope that we will bring our child home one day and that the timing will be perfect for our lives. That at the end of all this frustration and illness we will find our greatest blessing. I hold onto the hope that is just a trial and will end.

I am also feeling there is a change on the horizon for me that life is changing. I am feeling the need for something more in my life. More fulfillment, more creativity and hoping that this will generate more income for my family. All I can say is life is hard right now but I know change is coming and I pray that it is for the better.

I have recently found a couple more adoption blogs that give me hope!


http://www.foreverbygrace.blogspot.com/

http://www.borninourheart.com/sophia_video.html

Both have given me hope and ideas for trying to help raise the funds for our adoption. Many blessings to you and your family.

The New Year and Finally Some Hope

I have to say that we came into this New Year with little hope that our dreams would come true. It has been a very tough fall and winter beginning with my miscarriage and the return of my mysterious and still undiagnosed digestive problems and then the worst came true and Kevin broke his leg on November 11th, 2011. This is his first fracture in 22 years and his worst one to date.  Thankfully directly following his fracture my digestive issues seemed to go silent which allowed me to do what was needed to care for my family during this time. Unfortunately on Jan 4th they returned with a vengeance and are continuing to behave in that manor. We are hoping to do a Colonoscopy in the near future and find the cause this time and a treatment that will hopefully put this in remission. The reason I share this with you is that we believe this is and has been our greatest test to date of our family. This is the hardest trial we have faced together and I pray that we will come out the other side all the stronger. I also hold the the hope that our greatest blessing will be waiting for us on the other side. Today a friend posted a link to a blog post written by a women who recently adopted a beautiful little girl her story is touching and filled with hope that our family will someday too be a family of 4. I want to share this story with all of you out there suffering from Secondary Infertility and who are also hoping to adopt. I am also going to share a few pictures from our family photo shoot. Well here's to a New Year filled with promise and the hope of something more. As of November last year we are officially on list for adoption in Saskatchewan!