Forever Changed

Today I have been thinking about how I am feeling and I have realized that the recent events in our life have left us forever changed it is amazing to me the power of one event to change you. I know some of you would argue that it only changes you if you let but I feel as though this time I have no choice to change for my family for my Son. On one hand I am so sad because I feel this sense of deep lose and hurt but on the other hand that it has brought with it some realizations. Now I must put this behind me and us and move forward to the new leaving the old behind. The new is good but scary and brings a lot of change to my family. I am not sure how being at home all the time is going to be for me, I am trying to organize time away for myself doing things I love. One thing I really want to do is get dressed up and head out for drinks with some girlfriends and I would like to make a habit of that. I really do envy the women I know who get together regularly with their good friends and I want that I group of women to go out with and laugh and be care free. I feel sometimes as the stress of all that is and might be is a weight around my neck and I feel lost in it. I feel like my person is gone and not defined. I am trying very hard to navigate my way through all of this alone but it is tough and I can't really trust anyone to be at my side so I feel that I stand alone. My strength must come from within as that is all I have.

Lessons Learned.

I am starting to learn that the only person you can really trust is yourself it is a hard lesson and sad to have to learn but they people you think you can trust and think that you have really waited until you are sure to bare your soul and trust with your family well those are the ones who can hurt you the most. I hate to have to think that I need to live my life on guard but unfortunately you do and especially when it involves your children. From here on out I am going to do my best not to become friends with the parents of my Son's friends that way I can try and avoid this situation. I will be pleasant and all but I am not going to get personal with them anymore we can do play dates and the kids can spend time together but it stops there. This world really can be very cruel and I hate that I can't always protect my Son my it's evils.

I understand now.

Today I realize why I am not pregnant why that little spirit left me, there is no way that I could hope to manage to hold it together if I was pregnant for my family, my hormones would be too high. Not to say I am doing a great job right now but I must say that I do have support to get threw it. I am so thankful for the people who are in my life and who are sticking with me through all of this, I wouldn't be able to do it with out all of you and you know who you are. I remember thinking when I was young why me, why is life so hard but today I am realizing that it wasn't that hard back then compared to what I am facing and dealing with right now. I know it could be worse we could be facing some form of Cancer but this is still very difficult and to see my husband suffering and shutting down like he did last night is so scary for me, this is so not him. I wish that people could understand the difficult time that he is going through but I guess until you have been in his shoes and felt his pain it is hard to understand why he is behaving the way he is. I am grateful that I have people in my life to support me and try to help me to understand how he is feeling and why he is feeling that. I had a wonderful conversation this morning with my sister inlaw and she really had some great suggestions and reassured me that she is there for us will be there when and if we need her more. I know I mentioned a while ago about my faith being gone but I do believe that God is watching out for us right now and that he will find a way to protect us from the worst and to help us get through this very stressful time. I am scared for what will happen but I believe that we will get through it as a family.

Another friend lost

Well today we lost a very dear set of friends, they have chosen to not see us anymore as result of an incident involving my husband and our cat that their Son witnessed. The stress is showing on my husband and he is very worried about what will happen with his leg and our family if things go very wrong. I don't know what to do to reassure him as if he was to lose even a percentage of his income we would be in trouble as no matter what I do he earns way more than I do. I guess I am scared too! I am also really sad about losing these friends because our boys were really good friends and I know Spencer will be upset when he figures out they are not coming back to visit. This happened once before when we were going through fertility treatments and he is too young to remember but now he is old enough to understand. I am going to have to find a way to explain this to him and that breaks my heart. I hate to hurt him and feel badly that because of us he is losing two of his best buddies. I am scared now to be bringing these kids into our house because he will get attached and what happens when they leave? I am just bringing a world of hurt on him? Why does life have to be so complicated? I have just sent a message in hopes of trying to salvage some kind of relationship for Spencer but I just don't know.

Peace

Well the weekend proved to be the whirlwind I expectated but it also brought peace and a decision. Yesterday while hanging at the beach with our little man running around bare bum Kevin and I looked at each and we decided that we are done and very happy with our wonderful little man and our little family of three. We saw this weekend how much we love the freedom of being able to get out of the house with ease and travel when and where we want to. Also our very wonderful little man made it know to us that he enjoys his time alone to play and be with us! We feel a sense of peace about our decision so much that I am ready to sell my baby stuff! So now I have decided to add consignment to my online business provided my business partner doesn't disagree. I am excited about getting all this stuff out of my house and about the money I will make!!! I think I will put it aside and do something wonderful for my family. I am so happy about our decision and I think it is the best one given my husbands current health issues. I can do this on my own if needed with one but two would so much harder!

Where do we go?

I was thinking just yesterday that we should get the papers for adoption and start filling them but then today I am finding myself thinking again of all the freedom we will have by having only one child we do so much more, more traveling more for him but then I remember last weekend at the park and him being left out because he doesn't have a sibling. It tugs at my heart and I really don't know what to do, part of me really would like another baby and I am having a hard time seeing pregnant bellies and newborns again but then I look at my Son and think of where we are and all that we can start doing with him at this age. I guess all this really says is that I am still not ready to decide and I need to patient with myself. My old Yoga teacher got in touch with me this week and has offered for me to come to a couple of classes for free and then if I feel like it I can clean the studio once a week in exchange for classes for free. I think this a great idea for me as I really want to get back to Yoga but it is not really in our budget to be paying for classes. I only have 3 more weeks left of work and then I will be home full time with Spencer and can focus on him and our life as a family. We will be heading to Calgary in the fall to see the specialist for Kevin's bone disease I am confident that he will figure this out and help us find a solution to what ever is going on. I am watching Spencer this weekend with the other kids and I see that he likes to play with them but he also enjoys his alone time too and I don't really think that is a bad thing. I am going to work on finding some yoga dvd's for us in the fall I would really like to start practicing yoga with him I think it would be good for both of us. As I write this I really am feeling a pull towards just keeping this our little family of three. We will see where things take us but I am not rushing into any decision. This one time that I must be patient and not push things it will happen the way it is supposed to happen for us that I do believe.

Settling in and feeling surreal!

Well we have been in our new house for almost a week now and it still seems very surreal. Our life has changed vastly and still is changing! We are loving our new location and the closeness to some many things is so very nice. It still seems a little strange that we have this wonderful new house and so much space, although it is getting full already and we still have all the boxes at my in laws house to bring over too. We walked with Spencer to the spray park yesterday and that was a little sad because once we got there no one would play with him there was three sibling groups and they were all playing amongst their own family I felt sad for him so we played with him and then ended up leaving. It still tugs at my heart that I wasn't able to give him a little brother or sister and I hope with every fiber of my being that one day we will be able to give him a sibling one day someone will find us and ask us to adopt their child. It's amazing to me how the pain of losing that baby is still there and I am truly sad that it came with us to this new house. I really wish there was a way to erase this from my life and take this pain away forever. All I can do is keep trying and hoping to find a way to add to our little family!
I am trying to imagine what our life is going to be like this fall when we start running the daycare I have an idea of what I am in for but it seems strange that we won't be leaving home anymore for work and that I will get spend every day with my little man and that he will have some little friends to keep him busy. Well we are having a bbq today so I must finish my snack and finish getting ready.