Labour Day

Lately I have been thinking alot about the day our Son was born, most likely because his birthday is coming up. I remember being woke up that morning by contractions and remember not being sure they were real. Very quickly they became hard for me to track so I had wake my husband up and then he went into Wow mode (as in this is it OMG). One of his favorite parts of our Son's birth story is the fact we had to stop and get gas during rush hour on the way to the hospital. I remember being really calm, not knowing what was going to happen but having this quiet sense it would be ok. I remember being in the triage room and they said it was happening he was coming and my husband had to go and get me registered. They all left me alone in the room and I remember for an instance a sense of panic and then I decided that I would trust it would be ok and let that panic go. My days in pranayama class and all that breathing really helped. It was amazing that my body was just doing it all on it's own, it knew what to do. I look back and remember alot of calm not alot of fear. I also remember the pain, I held off on the epidural till the pain was more than I could calmly breathe through about 6cm dilated. I am proud I made it that far on my own. Only 3 hours after the epidural our Son made a very rushed appearance into this world, he was 4 wks earlier and eager to get out! He loves that part of his birth story the most and loves to remind us that he was in a rush. I think back to that day and I don't have a single regret it was a beautiful day with a wonderful ending. Soon it will have been 7 years since that day but I remember it so clearly and fondly. I am so grateful to have experienced that once in my life.

It's been a while but I am still here!

I can't believe it's been more than a year since I last posted anything, I guess this is a journey I wish would end. This Janurary my emotions got the better of me and it was not a fun month. It still amazes me how sometimes out of no where it comes and the feelings are so strong. We have reached a point in our journey where we know I will never carry another child and we hope someday to adopt but our circumstances have gotten the better of us and even at this moment I don't think adoption is possible. It's so hard living in a province where Private Agencies are not allowed to operate. It becomes so hopeless waiting on this archaic government system. In January my grief took over I was so saddened by our situation and loss of control. I am not one to give up on a situation but with all that has happened in the last year I felt I had no choice but to let go of my hope and dream of having a larger family. Being a Mormon and attending sacrament each week and seeing all these beautiful families full of children and Mom's with beautiful round bellies well sometimes it is more than I can bare. I wish with all my heart things could have been different for us that there was or is something I could do to fix it. To make it so my beautiful Son did not have to grow up alone but there is not and that is something still very hard to accept. I still feel that little presence out there who urges me not to give up, that little smiling face that says I am here. My heart breaks to find that child who is meant for us but we are still apart, we have still not met each other. As the time passes I do wonder if we will meet in this life or maybe that is more of an eternal plan? So I try to live my life to make it the best for my Son and to quiet that little voice so I can breathe each day and not feel lost in the darkness of grief and helplessness. I am trying to leave that door open to possibility open to the maybe that someday things will change and someday maybe we will be choosen. I try to focus on the here and now and improving our life today and tomorrow. This past year I have returned to work full time, another thing that was not part of plan but a neccessity. It is a very hard adjustment after being home for the past 2 years taking care of our Son and the household. I don't know that working out of home is enjoyable and I hope that it is not permanent at least not doing what I am doing. I am working on trying to develop a plan for long term employment something that will involve some of my creative strengths and passions. For now life is very different than how we envisioned things and we mourn the loss of our dreams but we strive to make the most of what we have and are grateful everyday more than I can express for our wonderful little boy. He fills my heart with joy and is my reason to exist to push through all the bad and find a better place.

Somedays

Today I was reminded of my two little angels who are waiting for me heaven in my Great Grandmothers arms and then later on I heard this song which is so fitting!

I love my angels and miss you everyday!

xoxo
Mommy

Where are we at?

I have no idea! Our application for adoption has been excepted by the ministry and now we wait to meet their criteria to be released for home study. I really thought we would at least be on the list for home study by now I thought we were pretty open but apparently not enough. I am having a debate with myself as to whether I should alter our range of acceptance a little or not, it's such tough call and can be a big risk. You see for alcohol use we put limited I think that may be part of what is preventing us from moving forward. On one hand I would be comfortable taking the chance trusting with all my heart that it would all work but then the what if comes in and I lose courage.
So for now we are focus on our life as a family of 3 and all we can do! Like reno the kitchen, do a little travel, and send DS to some great summer camps! We are also looking to the future and what we will be able to do as our little family of 3 like maybe pack everything up and sell off a bunch of things and go travel for a year or two.
Most days I feel pretty good and am pretty happy with my little family and just last night a had a conversation with another family of a only child. It was really good, their daughter is grown but it was good to see the other end and how sometimes being a one child family is for the good of the child and the parents. The child will get more of what they may need from the parents and the parents will have the ability to do things that may not have if they had more children. So I am looking at my life like that and believing that I was put on this path and it is right for me and for my family, if it is meant to change then it will do so on it's own and my stressing will not help or change it. What will be will be and I am happy to wait and see where it takes us. For now I will enjoy the ride as we go along!

So Confused

I am so confused right now about what to do. I had a break through the other week about my health I think part of what is causing my symptoms is that I am hanging on so tight to wanting another child! I let it get to me and I think that causes some of my issues. My husband and I talked last week and I just can't see my self carrying on this way for another 2-4 yrs it's too much and too hard on my body. I told him I thought it was time to let it go and learn to be a happy family of 3. Then this week my Son has been having issues in the afternoon and on weekends with being lonely and that makes me feel so guilty that I can't give him what he is needing. Also this week I have been interviewing for the daycare and I keep thinking about foster care and how I could fit in a foster child in our lives. My worry is though I will get too attached and they will leave and how will Spencer adjust and what sort of issues will they come with and can I handle that. But then I think about our house and our lives and I just think we have room for one more in our hearts and our lives. If adoption isn't going to work out then what about giving a child a home even for a short period of time and giving them the love and security that they need. I don't know why I can't put this journey to rest I am trying so hard but something is pulling at my heart and I can't seem to make it stop. I feel this connection and I can't seem to sever it, I want to move on, I  want to get healthy, I want our lives to feel complete but something is there that I can't make leave. What do I do? Do I listen to little voice or do I find a way to make it leave and if so how?

Feeling Ho Hum

Yet another scope done and still no diagnosis! My frustration level is getting high and my energy is just not there. I had really hoped that this time we would get our answers but no so now what? How do I get better? DH is also very frustrated with his situation and it doesn't help. We need a break something to turn around in our lives. We need some good news, some hope, something to look forward too. I feel horrible for our poor Son as we are both sick and I try to put on a happy face for him and ignore my symptoms but sometimes I just can't.

I did finally talk to the Social Worker in Regina who handles international adoptions and he wrote to the ICAB for confirmation that the church will be accepted as a Christian Religion. Once we have that confirmation we can start to move forward with the process. I am trying to hold onto to hope that we will bring our child home one day and that the timing will be perfect for our lives. That at the end of all this frustration and illness we will find our greatest blessing. I hold onto the hope that is just a trial and will end.

I am also feeling there is a change on the horizon for me that life is changing. I am feeling the need for something more in my life. More fulfillment, more creativity and hoping that this will generate more income for my family. All I can say is life is hard right now but I know change is coming and I pray that it is for the better.

I have recently found a couple more adoption blogs that give me hope!


http://www.foreverbygrace.blogspot.com/

http://www.borninourheart.com/sophia_video.html

Both have given me hope and ideas for trying to help raise the funds for our adoption. Many blessings to you and your family.

The New Year and Finally Some Hope

I have to say that we came into this New Year with little hope that our dreams would come true. It has been a very tough fall and winter beginning with my miscarriage and the return of my mysterious and still undiagnosed digestive problems and then the worst came true and Kevin broke his leg on November 11th, 2011. This is his first fracture in 22 years and his worst one to date.  Thankfully directly following his fracture my digestive issues seemed to go silent which allowed me to do what was needed to care for my family during this time. Unfortunately on Jan 4th they returned with a vengeance and are continuing to behave in that manor. We are hoping to do a Colonoscopy in the near future and find the cause this time and a treatment that will hopefully put this in remission. The reason I share this with you is that we believe this is and has been our greatest test to date of our family. This is the hardest trial we have faced together and I pray that we will come out the other side all the stronger. I also hold the the hope that our greatest blessing will be waiting for us on the other side. Today a friend posted a link to a blog post written by a women who recently adopted a beautiful little girl her story is touching and filled with hope that our family will someday too be a family of 4. I want to share this story with all of you out there suffering from Secondary Infertility and who are also hoping to adopt. I am also going to share a few pictures from our family photo shoot. Well here's to a New Year filled with promise and the hope of something more. As of November last year we are officially on list for adoption in Saskatchewan!