Far from better.

I realized and have admitted to people this weekend that I am not over the miscarriage or our ending treatments, I still look around my house and our life and yearn for another little to add to it. I realize now that this is going to take a while and require me accepting how I am feeling and acknowledging those emotions. I will have to take this day by day and work on dealing with how I am feeling without internalizing those emotions like I have been. I am also go to work on trying to be more grateful for the life I do have and the wonderful family that I do have. I am going to work learning to love my little family of three and letting go of that dream of being a family of four. This will take much time but I do hope to one day look back on this and no that I have moved on. You never imagine when you start out trying that this is where you will end up, you never picture the unhappy ending you always imagine that eventually it will work. I hope that me being honest with all of you will help someone out there that is struggling like me, I hope that at least my experience can help someone and that something good comes out of all this.

Life is feeling good but still empty.

Well we have been home for almost two weeks and things are starting to fall into a routine. I am really enjoying the time to be able to take care of my family and do some baking. I still feel a little sad like there is someone missing there is a little space that needs to be filled. I am also starting to part with some of Spencer's baby stuff and it tugs at my heart and makes me sad. The other day Spencer and I were talking about all his friends that have a babies and how we don't have a baby. Then I reminded him about his one friend that also doesn't have a baby and his parents went through fertility treatments to conceive him and they also suffered a miscarriage with their second, I explained that we tried really hard to have another baby and that the Doctor tried really hard to help us but that Mommy couldn't have another baby as was the same for his friend and he says to me "that we will have a baby!". I ask him how will we have another baby he replies " someone will just give us one!" That breaks my heart but part of me hopes he is right and somehow one day someone will contact us with an adoption situation. I hope that one day we will all heal and be able to move on past this one way or another but until then I struggle to find my way through all of this.