Labour Day

Lately I have been thinking alot about the day our Son was born, most likely because his birthday is coming up. I remember being woke up that morning by contractions and remember not being sure they were real. Very quickly they became hard for me to track so I had wake my husband up and then he went into Wow mode (as in this is it OMG). One of his favorite parts of our Son's birth story is the fact we had to stop and get gas during rush hour on the way to the hospital. I remember being really calm, not knowing what was going to happen but having this quiet sense it would be ok. I remember being in the triage room and they said it was happening he was coming and my husband had to go and get me registered. They all left me alone in the room and I remember for an instance a sense of panic and then I decided that I would trust it would be ok and let that panic go. My days in pranayama class and all that breathing really helped. It was amazing that my body was just doing it all on it's own, it knew what to do. I look back and remember alot of calm not alot of fear. I also remember the pain, I held off on the epidural till the pain was more than I could calmly breathe through about 6cm dilated. I am proud I made it that far on my own. Only 3 hours after the epidural our Son made a very rushed appearance into this world, he was 4 wks earlier and eager to get out! He loves that part of his birth story the most and loves to remind us that he was in a rush. I think back to that day and I don't have a single regret it was a beautiful day with a wonderful ending. Soon it will have been 7 years since that day but I remember it so clearly and fondly. I am so grateful to have experienced that once in my life.

It's been a while but I am still here!

I can't believe it's been more than a year since I last posted anything, I guess this is a journey I wish would end. This Janurary my emotions got the better of me and it was not a fun month. It still amazes me how sometimes out of no where it comes and the feelings are so strong. We have reached a point in our journey where we know I will never carry another child and we hope someday to adopt but our circumstances have gotten the better of us and even at this moment I don't think adoption is possible. It's so hard living in a province where Private Agencies are not allowed to operate. It becomes so hopeless waiting on this archaic government system. In January my grief took over I was so saddened by our situation and loss of control. I am not one to give up on a situation but with all that has happened in the last year I felt I had no choice but to let go of my hope and dream of having a larger family. Being a Mormon and attending sacrament each week and seeing all these beautiful families full of children and Mom's with beautiful round bellies well sometimes it is more than I can bare. I wish with all my heart things could have been different for us that there was or is something I could do to fix it. To make it so my beautiful Son did not have to grow up alone but there is not and that is something still very hard to accept. I still feel that little presence out there who urges me not to give up, that little smiling face that says I am here. My heart breaks to find that child who is meant for us but we are still apart, we have still not met each other. As the time passes I do wonder if we will meet in this life or maybe that is more of an eternal plan? So I try to live my life to make it the best for my Son and to quiet that little voice so I can breathe each day and not feel lost in the darkness of grief and helplessness. I am trying to leave that door open to possibility open to the maybe that someday things will change and someday maybe we will be choosen. I try to focus on the here and now and improving our life today and tomorrow. This past year I have returned to work full time, another thing that was not part of plan but a neccessity. It is a very hard adjustment after being home for the past 2 years taking care of our Son and the household. I don't know that working out of home is enjoyable and I hope that it is not permanent at least not doing what I am doing. I am working on trying to develop a plan for long term employment something that will involve some of my creative strengths and passions. For now life is very different than how we envisioned things and we mourn the loss of our dreams but we strive to make the most of what we have and are grateful everyday more than I can express for our wonderful little boy. He fills my heart with joy and is my reason to exist to push through all the bad and find a better place.