I think all this rain is really starting to get to me, that and maybe all the stress is catching up with me. Those of you who know me know that I am a planner and I am happy when I can see the plan falling into place and things working out. Well this waiting for an adoption to find us and happen is very hard for me to just sit back and wait and accept that is the way things have to happen. Today I realized that my heart still aches for that little baby we lost, by now I should have a little belly to rub but instead all that is left is screwed up hormones and stress and uncertainty. Don't get me wrong I don't regret our decision to stop trying but it still hurts a little when I see someone with their brand new baby and feel that emptiness inside me and know that I will never have that again. I know the saying that all things happen for a reason and I now know that little spirit told me it had to go and I let it go but why? Why did it have to leave us and why do have to go this way instead? I am feeling like I need a break, I need to find a way to release all this stress that I am under but for some reason it just seems to keep coming! Today was the bank telling me that our new mortgage might not go through because of an error on my letter of offer for my current position. In the end we worked it out but for an hour I thought I had lost my husband's families $5000 and that come August 1st we would have no where to live so I was just a little bit freaking out! I fell off the no shopping wagon this afternoon after that. I am going to share with you song that is dear to my heart. Far Away by Nickel Back I am not a huge fan but I tell the day of the miscarriage I was on my knees begging God for one last chance to save that pregnancy but he didn't he took it away instead and I really don't understand why?!? I guess I am not doing as well as I thought after ending treatments, God I hate that myself and other women have to go through this horrible experience that is Infertility and that some how government can recognize that women need to end a pregnancy but what about those of us that need that medical help to create the families that we deserve and are entitled to!!! Well as I am sitting with the tears streaming down my face all I want is something or someone to make it better but that won't happen my heart is broken and no one can fix that! I know in my heart that someday we will find that little child to complete our family and make my beautiful Son the big brother that he so badly wants to be and deserves to be!!! Until then I will find a way to hind my pain and get through each day for him! One last link for all of you our Facebook group I created in hopes of finding Birth Parents looking for an adoptive family. Please join and forward the link onto everyone you know in hopes of finding that little child to complete our family!

Things that may.

Well the last few days have been hectic and a little stressful but we finally have our lease signed and I took all the papers to the bank for them to sign and do up the paper work for us to sign. I just can't believe that we have made this work and found our forever house! Our budget for the new house is going to be really tight a little too tight for my liking which means I am going to have to learn to be frugal and live according to our budget! This is not something I am very good at as anyone who knows me knows that I like to shop! Well I am going to follow the advice of a friend and fellow blogging Mama. http://lifeofmamma.blogspot.com/2010/05/first-challenge.html We are going to take our left over money after the bills are paid and some money is put away for savings and put it in a jar and once it is gone it's gone. We have a month and a half to practice before we move into our new house so I am hoping we are quick learners! I am really excited about moving into our new house and being able to have people over again, I might even attempt to put on Thanksgiving for my husbands family this year we will see what happens. As for our attempt to complete our family with an adoption well our little facebook has grown quite a bit in the last week we are @ 53 members and growing everyday hopefully one day soon someone will find us. Well my little buggy is sitting here with me and it is time for his bed so goodnight everyone.

Things get a little interesting!

This weekend well Friday night really I found out that Calgary was not going to work that Kevin's job would only pay $25/hr and that is not enough to live there so Saturday morning my wonderful husband went to talk with his boss about his new wage for his new position here and they offered him $25/hr so we had no choice but to choose to stay in SK. Although heart broken I accepted that it was what had to be and began to think about what we should do then stay in this house, move to another house (bigger, better neighborhood), and how would this affect our chance at adopting. Well I went on SaskHouses just to take a peek as I often do at the areas we are thinking about moving to and there is was our "forever house" and in our price range! So we decided to drive by it and take a look to see if Kevin could indeed build a garage as this house didn't have one. We headed over to look and it was too hard to tell so I called the number and the owners allowed us to come and take a look after a few minutes of looking it was perfect both inside and out! As we were looking at the house and talking with the family it turns out that a little over a year ago they adopted a little girl internationally and they have a lot of information that can help us out if we go that route including a foundation that may give us $10 000 towards an international adoption and a bank that will finance an adoption over a long period of time to give you a small payment. It amazes me how things can turn around and just happen when things are right. So as of last night we have leased our house and will be submitting the "official" offer on our new house on Friday our possession date will be August 1st. It is exciting and I am anxious to see what comes next and how we will handle being landlords hopefully all goes well! I am going to post a link to a facebook group I created to help put the word out that we are looking to adopt privately please pass it on to everyone you know in hopes that we will find that birth family looking for a home for their child!
Our wish to complete our family through a private adoption

I will update more later as I have more information and as the house is finalized too!

Finances after treatment not good!!!

Not only do we have to struggle with the physical after effects of fertility treatments but the financial ones too and those are tough! Today I ended up having to call in sick for my shift and as I have used all my sick time, holiday time and family time well it's the pocket book a little harder. Our Son was bite by some sort of bug they are thinking spider and now it is infected (it's only been just over 24hrs since the bite) and last night we saw our Dr and she gave antibiotics but this morning things looked worse so I took him into Peds Emerg they informed me that it can take up to 48 hrs for things to look better, so if by tomorrow it doesn't look better than most likely we will start IV antibiotics. So today we are staying home to keep the hand elevated and give meds as needed. Our budget is very tight this month too tight bills are having to wait to be paid and that is not good, so missing even just one day at work has a huge impact. I am hoping that by the end of the month we will have ourselves in a better position but that depends on me working some extra shifts at work and being very good with our budget. Which means no eating out at all and me watching the prices of the foods we buy which is something that we are not used to doing. I am working on this, and today my experiment is that Spencer wants chocolate chip cookies so we are going to make them instead of buying the ready to bake ones and I am attempting to use a healthier recipe so we will see how they turn out. If it all works I will add the recipe later for anyone who would like to try it.
As for our move back to Alberta we moved a bunch of storage totes over to my Mother in laws house last night and today I will tidy up the rest of the storage room and then I can move the store down stairs which will free up the spare room upstairs. My next step after that is our room and then another yard sale plus tackle the kitchen which means some refinishing and painting of the hinges and the cupboard doors. We are hoping to sell our house for 249 000 and it seems like that is a good price for our house and the neighbor hood compartively. The more money we leave with the more money we will have to put away for an adoption when we are ready to start that process.
All and all things are still good but of course little bits of stress creep in, I still feel good about moving my only concern is that I think it is going to happen quickly too quickly!

The struggles that come after.

Today has been a so so day for coping with the end of trying to conceive sometimes when a very pregnant woman passes me I feel a little something I won't say hurt but just something. Today was one of those days as one of my co-workers today who is pregnant with her first and due in August was in and today I started letting people know that I will be parting with a lot of my maternity and baby items. It's tough to see those things go but really do I want to lug all that "baggage" with me across the province to Calgary?!? Then tonight I decided it was time to see the Dr about my Sciatica which has been bothering me since the miscarriage and it turns out is related to the pregnancy as I had pregnancy induced sciatica with my Son and it turns out with this little pregnancy too and now that it is over well I guess some of the hormone that causes it is still lingering so just another little reminder for me. This leads me to my next task how do I learn to budget for emergencies like medicine that is necessary but can be expansive sometimes when the drug plan doesn't cover it. I guess I chalk it all up to another learning opportunity and continue on in this great adventure.

We have decided we are done and happy with our one!

It has been just over a week since we came home and I phoned our Fertility Clinic to let them know that we will not be continuing our treatments and that we have decided to be just our little family of three for now. This is a big step as I am sure some of you understand but we did not come to this decision lightly. After almost 2.5 yrs of treatment, thousands of dollars and one miscarriage it left us wondering now what? Where do we go, what is the next step, do we try again as that was our best cycle to date? So many questions and so much pain! For several weeks we wavered back and forth on whether to try again and if so what type of treatment, when and how much debt would we put ourselves in? Then one day I was talking to my Mom (which doesn't happen very often) and she asked me how much more debt would I put my family in for a sibling that may not always be there for my Son pointing out my relationship with my brother (estranged) and my Husbands relationship with his siblings (also mostly estranged) and that was when I saw the light and the possibility that we could be just the three of us and be happy! We had a trip away planned in next week so I decided that we would take that time and think things over and hopefully be at peace with our decision after our holiday. By the end of the second day it was very clear to me that yes I was ready to be done with fertility treatments but that I was not ready to be done trying to add to our family I truly believe that there is room for one more so we are looking at adoption but realize this will be a long journey and in the meantime we are working on enjoying our little family of three. My focus is to not lose a moment with my Son as this maybe the only time I get to experience this which is leading me to question my part-time employment situation. I currently work 2-3 days per week which that income is very much needed now to help pay off our debt but I am currently paying for a full-time daycare spot which doesn't leave much money left over. As a result we have made the decision that as soon as we can make it work I will be coming home and opening a daycare allowing me to be home with our Son and him to have other children around. To go with this big decision we have also decided that we want to move back to Alberta and will be doing so as soon as we can. This is a lot of change but it is all good change for our family and our Son seems excited about the idea of moving closer to the mountains. As for my feeling about stopping treatments I am oddly at peace with it and everyday that feeling seems to get a little bit stronger.