New House...New Beginning?

Just last yesterday we brought over the last load to our new house with the exception of some items in the garage. I managed to unpack 3/4 of the kitchen set up Spencer's furniture and decide on the placement of ours which was a bit challenging as our new room is smaller than our old one. It still seem surreal that we have a new house and a new life really I keep waiting for something really bad to happen, aka flood, ceiling falling in etc. I think once we have made our first mortgage payment and been through our first storm it will settle in. We also had our appt this week with the orthopedic surgeon which told us that most likely Kevin's injury was a stress fracture so now we are off to Calgary for a consult with a Specialist for Kevin's bone disease, Osteo Genesis Imperfecta or Brittle bone disease. We are hoping that they will either assure us that everything is fine and this is normal for him or that it's the meds and we can adjust or change them. Spencer has been battling this mystery illness for last couple of weeks and just can't seem to completely kick this fever. As for myself my hip seems to be getting better much much better not sure what to attribute that to? Where are we at with the adoption, second child choice well we are still just waiting to get Kevin sorted out and then see what we want to do then. International adoption seems out of price range and a private adoption seems unlikely so that just leaves domestic but will that work for us? I like to think that some where out there a child needs us and will fit into our family but we will see. This is definitely a great lesson in patience for me and letting go. I have started thinking about selling off our baby stuff completely (as I have sold some of it) and just moving on with only having one but I just can't seem to let go yet. I really want to believe that some how we will have another baby in our house but it just doesn't seem likely. I have been feeling a little bit isolated lately and really wanting someone to connect with someone who has also stopped their treatments and chosen to move whether with just one or hoping for an adoption some day. I was part of an amazing infertility support site but now I don't really fit there anymore so I am looking for another support group but not trying very hard either. Life has just been very busy and overwhelming on it's own without dealing with this part of it right now so I am just putting it in the back of my mind to follow up on later. I recently played around with the idea of doing one last clomid with a donor cycle just because I will have a couple of months off but I just don't think I can go through that again no matter how much I want another child. Life has been very hard for us lately and it seems the tide maybe changing? Now that we finally have our new house and I am about to be done working at the hospital I wonder where all this change will take us? I am hoping for only good things to come and for us to feel a sense of peace and find sometime to relax and enjoy the last little bit of summer.

We move on.

Well moving week is almost upon us and our flooding as finally stopped, we have walls again! I am off today to work one of my last two shifts on Peds and then I have 4 more weeks at the Cancer Center after which I will completely self employed. I am starting to feel a sense of relief about the situation, I have also filled my daycare spots as well with 3 wonderful kids from two wonderful families I am sure this is contributing to my sense of relief. My husband as his appt with the ortho surgeon on Monday so after that hopefully we will know a little more about what things look like for him. All and all things are settling down a little and once we move I hope that it will only get better.

As for me and my feelings surrounding our situation I am still having good days and bad days now I find that when I am talking to people about our decision to stop and to possibly only have Spencer should an adoption not work out, I find myself almost getting angry or bitter. When I see pregnant bellies I too feel some resentment then as well or a nursing Mama knowing that I won't get to do that again. I even thought for a few hours about doing one more cycle this fall just because I am going to have two months off and even while thinking that all I could think of was it won't work any way. I find that there is a lot of negative coming out of me surrounding our situation but I still don't want to change our decision I am just going through the emotions which I think is good to get it out. I recently picked up an issue of Time magazine and read this really good article on Only Children and it made me feel much better and not so alone in our decision. Time Article Although sometimes I don't feel like the choice was completely our own I feel like we had no other choice. As for my faith well our very friendly LDS boy who has been stopping by to visit us is unknowingly helping to restore that, he without question shows up to help my husband with the repairs on our basement and not once has he preached to him! He is such a good person and I truly hope that when Spencer is his age that he will be as good!
So as for our attempt at living on a budget we have completely fallen off the wagon or I should say me but I am going to work getting us back on next month. One thing I was finally able to do was to pay all the bills up to date so now we can start fresh and keep on top of them.
Life is strange it throws so much at you at a crazy pace that you think how can I keep and why does it keep coming but I truly do hope that we are entering into a calm period now and things will slow down.

After the storm

Well things have started to turn around and settle down. Our basement has now been dry for 2 days and this is the third day since my cortisone injection. My hip is feeling so much better now I just hope it lasts! Our basement is starting the process of drying out and we are trying to start gathering information on how to repair it. My emotions are settling down again regarding the miscarriage and I am able to talk calmly again about it. I do still want to get my butterfly tattoo with the ribbon for pregnancy loss behind it but I am not sure when that will happen. Our biggest concern right now is for Kevin's leg and what they will be able to do to fix it. I was at our Dr on Monday and was hoping she would tell it was all going to be ok but she wouldn't she said the x-ray was normal but that we will have to wait and see what the specialist says. Kevin is continuing to have pain especially at night and still bruised but he is still refusing the crutches, that's a man for you. I have to say with all that is going I am glad that I am not pregnant as it would be hard on me with all this stress but I still wish we had that little one on the way. I am looking forward to getting moved into our new house and getting settled in our new life. I have two wonderful little kids booked into my daycare and an interview for one more tonight so after this I could be done, the strange part is that these kids won't start coming until November which means I have 2 months to myself and with Spencer. It has been quite a roller coaster in the last couple of weeks life has been very hard and stressful but once again we have pulled through I am still waiting for us to enter the quiet part of life and for things to settle. I am really hoping once we get moved that will happen, we will have the space and time that we have been needing. Spencer has been really talking a lot lately about babies and that we don't have one. I really hope one day we will get to make him a big brother. One thing that is really hard about adoption is the wait, it seems that this process is filled with waiting and we haven't even really begun. Soon we will be in a position to start the process and I look forward to that! Till then I enjoy every moment I am blessed to be with my wonderful little boy and witness his life.

Jumping off the bridge

I am still struggling lately with my emotions surrounding the miscarriage this past week has been a lot worse than it has been in a while. Lately I can't even talk about it when people ask when I am going to have another one and I try to tell them what has happened and the we have decided to stop well that just leads to me in tears. Then I get the everything happens for a reason and the it was God's plan saying and then more tears it's just not good. I don't regret my decision to stop but my heart is aching for that baby who should be growing inside me right now. The pain is feeling so fresh again like it has just happened and I don't really understand where it is coming from why is it back what has triggered it. I am doing my best to cope with it and try and work through it but it is tough. One thing I did manage to realize tonight that I am not ready to adopt right now my heart still needs to heal and then we can move on.

So this has been kind of a big week I gave notice on Peds, @ daycare and well my work at the Cancer Center will end at the end of August as always. It was very scary doing all of that and led to a few hours of panic on my part but I pulled through and I feel much better. Our life is undergoing so much change right now it's a little much but we are working through it. Although certain aspects of our life are changing I wish that I could see some movement or progress in journey to complete our family but I check the facebook group everyday and I see it growing so I guess that is progress it is putting the word out there which is what we need to do. I still believe in my heart that somewhere out there is the child that will complete our family and that we will find them one day.

The date for our move into our new house has been bumped up which is good it gives us more time to get moved out of this house. I have been working on my handbook for the daycare and once that is complete I will post the add on Kijiji and wait to fill the spots. I am looking forward to this new way of life for us and to be working for just myself and get out of the Health Region and all that goes with working in Health Care.

Well on that note I want to wish you all a very Happy Canada Day!