I can't believe it's been more than a year since I last posted anything, I guess this is a journey I wish would end. This Janurary my emotions got the better of me and it was not a fun month. It still amazes me how sometimes out of no where it comes and the feelings are so strong. We have reached a point in our journey where we know I will never carry another child and we hope someday to adopt but our circumstances have gotten the better of us and even at this moment I don't think adoption is possible. It's so hard living in a province where Private Agencies are not allowed to operate. It becomes so hopeless waiting on this archaic government system. In January my grief took over I was so saddened by our situation and loss of control. I am not one to give up on a situation but with all that has happened in the last year I felt I had no choice but to let go of my hope and dream of having a larger family. Being a Mormon and attending sacrament each week and seeing all these beautiful families full of children and Mom's with beautiful round bellies well sometimes it is more than I can bare. I wish with all my heart things could have been different for us that there was or is something I could do to fix it. To make it so my beautiful Son did not have to grow up alone but there is not and that is something still very hard to accept. I still feel that little presence out there who urges me not to give up, that little smiling face that says I am here. My heart breaks to find that child who is meant for us but we are still apart, we have still not met each other. As the time passes I do wonder if we will meet in this life or maybe that is more of an eternal plan? So I try to live my life to make it the best for my Son and to quiet that little voice so I can breathe each day and not feel lost in the darkness of grief and helplessness. I am trying to leave that door open to possibility open to the maybe that someday things will change and someday maybe we will be choosen. I try to focus on the here and now and improving our life today and tomorrow. This past year I have returned to work full time, another thing that was not part of plan but a neccessity. It is a very hard adjustment after being home for the past 2 years taking care of our Son and the household. I don't know that working out of home is enjoyable and I hope that it is not permanent at least not doing what I am doing. I am working on trying to develop a plan for long term employment something that will involve some of my creative strengths and passions. For now life is very different than how we envisioned things and we mourn the loss of our dreams but we strive to make the most of what we have and are grateful everyday more than I can express for our wonderful little boy. He fills my heart with joy and is my reason to exist to push through all the bad and find a better place.
It is good to write it out isn't it?! I wrote one of these "let it all out" posts too. Explained my situation and wouldn't you know it it helped us get our little boy.
ReplyDeleteI know it is hard to hear advice but spread the word that you are hoping to adopt. And keep bugging the government.
I hope you can find the peace and happiness and health you are hoping for and deserve.
As one of God's beautiful children you have every right to want what you want and to ask for His help and comfort.